Back in 1993, Bill Murray starred in a film called Groundhogs Day. As a big city weatherman sent to cover the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, he enters a twilight zone where he finds himself forced to repeat the same day over and over again. He passes though several phases of pursuits, culminating in the kidnapping of Punxsutawney Phil (the groundhog), and proceeding to one of my cinematic scenes. Bill Murray has the groundhog driving his car, saying "Don't drive angry Phil, don't drive angry" and plunging over a cliff in a vain attempt to end his life. Waking up the next morning to the same day again, he begins to examine his priorities in life.
Much like Bill Murray, minus the suicidal pursuits, I feel like I am caught in some grand twilight zone where every day is the same. "Hmmmm, which clothes will I wear today? The green or....the green. I will go with the green!" In between trauma patients, I try to fill the rest of the day with some sort of nobel pursuit. I try to read, study and exercise. At times I am hoping for a trauma just to make the day go by a little bit faster.
This exercise in repetition has allowed me the opportunity to reexamine my own priorities in life. I have spent that last several years running around with my hair on fire. Taking care of patients and keeping the staff general surgeons happy. Now, I have nothing but time on my hands. In my previous existence, my time was very valuable to me. What I did with it was not always a reflection of this value. I would exercise, read books, play video games, play with the kids, spend time with my wife. Sometimes in that order.
Now that I have nothing but time on my hands, I realize that time is truly my greatest commodity. Here on the FOB, I can play video games, exercise more than ever before, read books aplenty and surf the internet. Everything that I could do at home, that seemed so important at that time, I can do here in the middle of the moon, Afghanistan. With all this time, I can't do what is most desirable, spending time with my wife and children.
More than anything I want to curl up on my overstuffed leather sofa with Sarah and watch one of her "bonnet" films. She humors me watching Ultimate Fighter Championship with me. I want to play basketball with Zachary, take Sydney out to see what clothes she likes, watch Ainsley walk in awe through a Build-a-Bear store, and put puzzles together with Audrey. But while I am here stuck in my own Groundhog's Day, life is passing along. I realized that Sydney doesn't have many more years at home with us and Ainsley is quickly approaching that same stage.
This deployment has made me realize that nothing can compensate me for lost time. What are our diversions that make us waste our time? It is usually something that we seem to not be able to function without. I realize that I can always earn more money, save more and buy more. The one thing that we cannot buy is more time! Where do you spend your time?
Oakley glasses +8
ReplyDeleteGreen anti-fog mask +5
500cc crystalloid left in the bag +1
wimpy Welch Allyn plug-in headlight -10
"Regata sail" Kimberly Clark paper gown -3
Aggie surgeon's cap +1000
Hang in there.
Kendra says...I think Brian misses the point of Neil's post.
ReplyDeleteWhat, no mention of wanting to curl up on the couch with me?
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about the same things lately as far as time goes. Lately it feels like I'm trying to drink water from a firehose with work...things have been a little bit crazy. Then throw the fact that I lost my phone, got rear-ended, my hardrive got erased, among so many other things that I'm forgetting because I'm too stressed out for my brain to function properly....*sigh* there just comes a point where when everything else fails, go to bed.
ReplyDeleteBut time.....hmmmm..... I fill my time with adventures, thrill-seeking endeavors, good friends, and fun. My motto: Work Hard, Play Hard. Here and there, I try to serve to help myself not be selfish. (is that a selfish reason in itself?) In most things I'm upbeat and even inspite of all the drama going on in my life I just let it roll off me. Time though.... it weighs on me. I feel like I'm involving myself in everything I want to do, but am keenly aware that time doesn't sleep. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and how I'm spending my time and who I've been spending my time with. (Sidenote: It's lent itself to many an interesting conversation with some of the boys in that category)
Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But I also want to make sure that I'm involving myself in meaningful endeavors. I heard it said at the CES Fireside this past week, "We've been given three gifts...our bodies, our agency, and time." Hmmmmmm.... it makes me think.
Neil, when you get home, things will seem new all over again. Sweet. I think my favorite thing about that movie was how Bill Murray went through the grieving process. It wasn't until he truly saw/treated others better that life changed for the better. You're there already. Cool.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder. I had to laugh as I read it to Nate on my laptop while I watched him take a study break and play his video game.
ReplyDeleteI heard about your blog from a friend in Houston. I am passing it on to friends because we all need to be more aware of what you are going through over there and work harder at being supportive when people come home. As a mother (although the picture is a dog from my blog (telluridedogblog.blogspot.com ifyou need lighthearted moments form a dog's point of view)...anyway, as a mother of three sons who are all grown and away from home (Toronto, China and Maine).....we have all taken our precious time with friends and family for granted....many never wake up to realise what they are doing or have done.....your words will inspire many to dig deeper into their personal relationships. Yours is a great and valuable blog. Thank you.
ReplyDelete